Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
