It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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