Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
