He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
