Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
