Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Everyone says I win the strip club
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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