how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
