What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
