I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
