Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
