there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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