we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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