he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
