Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
