why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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