you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
