It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
