remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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