I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
