Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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