I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
