Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
