How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So vagazzling was a success
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
