Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
