he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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