I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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