ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
