when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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