I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
