I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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