dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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