my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
