Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
