I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
