Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
