Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
