she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize