that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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