i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
