I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
