He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
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