mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
ugly people sure do ruin things
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
