who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
