we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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