my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
