can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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