I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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