this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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