Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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