WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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