I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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