did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
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Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
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Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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