I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
