My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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