i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
