So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
