Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize