There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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