my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
