do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
