I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
